Here are the 20 best techniques I know of that can make forgiving someone easier. If the person who’s wronged you is willing (and you’d like to let them), the two of you can do this process together. But it can be equally powerful if you do it alone.

Forgiveness doesn’t work until you’re ready and willing to start the process of healing. Sometimes you need to give yourself some time to grieve over what you’ve lost and heal a little before jumping onto the emotional roller-coaster that is forgiveness. Some of the emotions we experience in the beginning stages right after being hurt need to be fully felt, expressed before they can be released in the form of forgiveness.

Realize that there is no rush. Remember that everyone forgives at his or her own pace and allow yourself to move naturally through this process. Forgiving them is a choice you made for yourself. To exercise the control you have over your own thoughts, emotions and actions. And if you want to do it right, you can’t skip any steps.

I know it hurts at the moment and you might feel an urgent need to get this over with, but if you hastily power through it, you won’t heal properly and you may have to go through it all over again. You might not be in the right space right now to forgive them yet and that’s okay. You will be one day. Be patient.

Work with any objections that come up for you. Does any part of you not want to forgive this person? Maybe you feel as though forgiving them would mean condoning the harmful behaviour that violated your values and standards, or that forgiveness would mean that you’re a pushover. Reframe these objections by giving them an alternative meaning. For more information on reframing click here. Or perhaps forgiving them would mean you will no longer be protected from this situation occurring again in the future. It’s important to separate this positive function (being protected from a repeat offense) from your anger and your forgiveness. Then provide an alternative way for yourself to accomplish this protective function without the need for anger or resentment.

Forgiving those who hurt you brings you peace and closure, as well as a host of other wonderful things, as I explained in the video above. But it takes time and it takes effort. A lot of it. It's not an easy thing to do. Sometimes it’s more accurate to say: “I will try to forgive you,” rather than pretending it comes naturally.

Commit to the process of letting go, one day at a time, one moment at a time: You aren’t going to do it in a day or maybe not even in a week or a month. Some wounds take time to heal and when you embrace that as a fact, it will make it easier to accept that you will need to put constant intention into this.

You might think that forgiveness is about the following:

• Condoning what the other person did.
• Giving in.
• Turning the other cheek.
• Pretending that nothing happened or that it really wasn’t such a big deal.
• Admitting that your anger isn’t justified or that you’re not entitled to it.
• Forcing yourself to get along with someone who you feel may hurt you again.

If you feel like any of these are true, you’re going to be very reluctant to forgive. Instead, try changing your definition of forgiveness to the following:

• Forgiveness is about freeing yourself from the prison of holding a grudge and putting that energy to better use.
• Forgiveness is about moving on, so you can live your life the way you deserve to.
• Forgiveness is about choosing serenity and happiness over righteous anger.
• Forgiveness is about refusing to replay past hurts in your mind over and over again, and to instead choose to savour the beauty life has to offer right now.
• Forgiveness is about realizing that anger and resentment don’t serve you well and don’t teach the other person a lesson either.
• Forgiveness is about giving yourself a clean slate, so you can live up to your potential.

To say you'll forgive and forget is a massive contradiction. You can only forgive when you remember what it is that happened. It’s important to release the hurt, but retain the learning. Painful situations show up in our lives, so that we can learn from them and grow.

Like I said in this video, problems, pain and suffering are not only a necessary part of life, but they can also bring us happiness when we embrace them. When it comes to forgiveness, the objective is to release the negative emotions so that we can have the clarity of mind to extract the learning from the difficult situation.

Our values tell us what’s important to us (see this article for more details). They help you recognize your (too) high expectations and unenforceable rules you created for yourself that are making things harder for you than they need to be. When you’ve identified what your values are (which you can do using this test), ask yourself the following questions concerning the pain you’re feeling:

• Why did their actions or words hurt you so much?
• Why is it important that they should have acted in a different way?
• What would happen, if they acted differently in the future?
• How do they need to act to gain your trust again?
• Why is it important to you that they take those exact steps to redemption?

All these questions might bring to the surface certain un-meetable standards you hold. If you can change these standards while still getting your core needs met, it might make it easier to forgive them for their mistakes.

In this article, I explained how you can make use of certain submodalities to overcome your fears. Well, it turns out this technique can also be used to alter how you feel about someone who hurt you. Here’s a brief run-down, but if you want a more detailed list of submodalities as well as instructions on how to use them, click here.

1. Identify the person and the incident you are still feeling resentful about, and with whom you would like to reach a feeling of forgiveness and resolution. Take a moment to notice how you think of this person and the incident right at this moment. Observe the visual, auditory and kinaesthetic sub-modalities and make a mental note.
2. Identify a time in your past when you successfully felt forgiveness for someone. Maybe you once resented someone, but when you think of that person now, it’s with a feeling of compassion. Or perhaps someone harmed you and you forgave them right away because you recognized that they harmed you accidentally, or that they were doing the best they could with what they had. For example, a small child hurt you and you instantly recognized that they couldn't possibly have done it on purpose, or they understood the consequences of what they had done and felt bad about it. Observe your sub-modalities again and make note of how they are similar or different to the ones you experienced in step 1.
3. Test the submodality differences. One at a time, switch the submodalities that are different in the two experiences. Notice which are the most powerful "drivers" in changing anger into forgiveness. Write down your observations.
4. Keep changing the submodalities you use to think about the person you’re forgiving until they match the ones you use to think about someone who you have already forgiven. This will eventually change the light in which you see them.

You can use two NLP methods to accomplish this. The first is the Triple Position technique from the conflict resolution article here (it's technique #8). To do this, take the observer position to observe yourself and then the person who harmed you from the outside, in the context in which you were harmed. Then step into the other person, noticing what you can learn that is new to you about this person's experience. What additional information can you get about how this person sees, hears, feels and understands events? Do you realize that this person was doing the best they could in that situation, given their background, limited knowledge or motivation?

The second is the theatre technique explained in this technique to get over your fears. Basically, you imagine yourself walking into a theatre where you’re all alone and the traumatic situation is playing out on the screen. Then you imagine yourself rising out of your body and you watch one version of yourself sitting in the theatre watching another version of yourself relive the incident.

Now imagine the movie playing backwards, speeding up and slowing down. Change as many submodalities about the movie as possible until the incident playing on the screen feels ridiculous and funny. And finally, you revert it back to what it was originally and then sink back into your body, get up from the seat, walk up to the screen and step into the person who is experiencing the hurtful situation, armed with the power of disassociation.

If done right, this will change the way you feel about the situation when memories of it are triggered in your day to day life.

Try to figure out how you could have been partially responsible for what happened. What could you have done to prevent it, and how can you prevent it from happening again? This isn’t to say you’re taking all the blame, or taking responsibility away from the other person. Just realize that you are not a victim, but a participant in life.

Okay, so if you follow my blog regularly, you’ll know that I’m a bit obsessed with mindfulness. I suggest it as a solution to pretty much everything. And that’s because I believe that it is. My coaching style revolves around this practise of being in the present, and I explained why in this video. Basically, being mindful can be broken down into five separate abilities that all help make forgiveness easier:

• Observing your experience as it happens: your thoughts, feelings, sensations and perceptions.
• Being able to describe that experience, so that you can make sense of it.
• Being non-judgemental of that experience, so that you can eliminate guilt.
• Acting with awareness, so that your behaviours are deliberate and thoughtful. It’s important to be responsive rather than reactive. Autopilot is the enemy!

Try to allow yourself to feel any negative emotions that come up. But, instead of fighting them, simply observe and sit with them. Understand that your negative emotions are not primarily coming from the event itself, but from the thoughts that you are experiencing right at this moment. Click here to learn more about the relationship between thoughts and emotions, and how they trigger our behaviours.

Use whatever mindfulness technique that works for you to alleviate your physical symptoms and soothe your body’s fight-or-flight response. Consider taking a deep breath, or taking a walk. Or, if you’d like to know which type of meditation is best for you according to who you are, click here (modality meditation).

Put yourself in that person’s shoes. Try to understand why they acted the way they did. It’s helpful to go back and objectively look at their early childhood. Imagine what their childhood, parents and home environment were like. What do you know? What have you heard? What can you infer about why they may have certain defence mechanisms (narcissism, defensiveness, aggression, depression, etc.) or personality traits? What are they trying to protect? What are they afraid of? What basic skills did they learn (or not learn) from their family? If possible, talk to the person (when you’re calm and centred) and ask them about their own experience directly.

Start from the assumption that they aren’t a bad person, but just did something wrong. What could he have been thinking, what could have happened to him in the past to make him do what he did? What could he have felt as he did it, and what did he feel afterward? How does he feel now? I’m not saying you should convince yourself that what they did was right, just that you could try to understand and empathize. We all do the best we can with the skills and awareness that we have. Building a foundation of unconditional love for this person may some like something that can only happen after you’ve forgiven them, but it’s actually the opposite that’s true.

Hurting someone else will never ease your own inner angst. If you’re feeling pain, don’t take action that creates even more pain. You can’t get rid of darkness by covering it with more darkness. Find the light.  Act out of love.  There is always something good you can do.  There is always love to give.  Smile at them. Invite them over for a coffee. Show them they are still worthy of love.

If you just don’t understand how that could possibly help you, click here.

This can be a helpful technique to ease yourself into forgiveness by combining both mindfulness and love. Allow peace to enter your life. As you focus on the present, try focusing on your breathing. Imagine that each breath going out is the pain of the past, being released from your body and mind. And that each breath coming in is peace, entering you and filling you up.

Then expand that loving feeling by imagining the person who hurt you being enveloped in a loving diffused warm light. Imagine love entering every cell in their body and all the negativity leaving them with every exhale. It might sound silly, but trust me. It works.

I’ve made a video about gratitude before. If you haven’t watched it, click here. It explains how feeling grateful for what you have and all the things that have happened to you (even the bad things) can make you calmer and happier.

One of the ways to change your feelings, thoughts and actions is to keep a “gratitude journal.” You might find it useful, so try writing in it daily or weekly. Write down everything that you’re grateful for. This can include events or people.

If you’d like to learn more easy ways of incorporating gratitude into your everyday life, click here.

An essential part of the forgiveness process is allowing the person who hurt you to earn back your trust. Allow them to show you they are reliable, truthful and sincere. Create opportunities for them to prove themselves you. For example, consider accepting their invitation to go to the movies. This allows them the opportunity to show up on time, treat you with respect and have a good time.

Without a willingness to accept this invitation, you would not be able to witness and acknowledge that they’re making an effort to earn your trust. Consider telling them you appreciate it.

Talk to people you trust about the way you think and feel about the past, particularly people who might have been in a similar situation. This may be a family member, a friend or a teacher. Anyone who you believe will listen to you without judgement. 

If your experience is particularly hard or complicated, it could be really useful to talk to an expert, like a counsellor. They can help you process all your feelings about what’s happened in proven, therapeutic ways.

If you absolutely must get revenge before you try to forgive the other person, the best way to get back at them is to live a successful, happy life. If you train yourself to consistently be more loving in thoughts and actions, your energy will attract more positive people and positive results.

In the process of going after your goals and spending time with people who care about you, you will wake up one day and notice that whatever happened to hurt you in your past doesn’t have as much control over you anymore. Now you can forgive them much more easily.

If you’re trying really hard and making zero progress, just stop trying. When you see yourself as “trying” (to do something else, be someone else or get somewhere else) you interpret what you have and where you are as “not being good enough”. This perception of constantly trying makes living seem like an endless struggle. So it’s time to stop trying and start being.

There is great value within you and around you – right here, right now. Allow it to come out, willingly and without a struggle. Instead of trying to get to some other point in your life, give your full attention to doing your very best with the life you are living now. 

Yes, by all means set goals and take steps in the right direction, but don’t disregard the steps as you take them – these steps are to be savoured, to be loved, to be lived! You may of course reflect on the past to learn its lessons, but realize that the past is over. It isn’t happening anymore, except in your mind. And that causes problems — unhappiness and stress. Instead, bring your focus back to the present. What are you doing right now? What joy can you find in what is happening right now?

Be the watcher of your thoughts. Instead of trying to change them, simply notice them without getting caught up in them. This will eradicate your negative emotions and with it the need to dwell on the hurt.

This may seem like a direct contradiction to the suggestion above, but feeling your emotions fully is not the same as getting caught up in them. Ask yourself:

• How does this feel in my body?
• What does it feel like to be abandoned/betrayed/etc.?
• What are the physical sensations that arise?

Be deliberate about it and don’t try to hide, ignore or stop your feelings out of guilt, shame or anger. You can’t heal what you can’t feel. Learn to express your emotions in healthy ways. A good example is to do primal anger work, which is basically about finding ways to release anger, rage and blame in a more primitive (yet nonviolent) way. Here are some examples:

• Go into nature to yell or scream (Google “primal scream technique” for more information)
• Cry until you’re all cried out
• Hit something (a pillow, a tennis racket on couch cushions, a boxing bag, etc.)

It’s important to give each other space to say all that needs to be said without holding back. This can be tough and you don’t want to try it when your emotions are still raw and tender. Wait until you are both calmer about the situation and do your best to not interrupt one another. Using a “talking item” can help. I like to use a rock when I talk things out with people. When I’m holding it, I’m the only one that gets to talk and the other person listens. Then I hand it to them and it’s their turn to talk and my turn to listen.

Accept the other person’s statements as their truth. When you’ve both shared your thoughts and feelings completely, you should have an experience of “I’ve said it all and I’m done”.

It may be helpful to do this with a therapist or a mutual friend present, so you both feel heard and validated.

You can also do this even if the person is not physically present or has died. Sit quietly. Take a few deep breaths with your eyes closed. Call on the other person. Imagine them sitting across from you, how they look and how you feel about it. Tell them out loud what you are feeling. Imagine a dialogue between the two of you. Is there anything they want to say back to you? When you are finished, thank them for listening and release them in gratitude.

This has a similar effect to talking to them. Purging emotions out on paper gives them a place to live outside of yourself and your body. You may write all the things you have to say to them on a piece of paper and then either send it to them or burn it (to symbolize letting it all go). It can be just as cleansing as talking to the person yourself.

Alternatively, you could write a letter to yourself, to give yourself advice. You might find that keeping track of the different thoughts you have about the situation helps you understand your feelings better.

If you write to your past self, let them know how you feel about everything that happened and validate their emotions by telling them they couldn’t have done things any differently. If you write to your future self, ask them if you feel better after years have gone by. You can really write about anything you want. The mere act of writing about your feelings has the power to heal your wounds.

Try out these tips and if you’re still finding this advice hard to implement, ask for help in the comments below, send me a message, or book a FREE breakthrough session to see how I can help you through Skype.

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Until next time, remember: Happiness doesn’t require energy. It requires Strategy.