If you agree that unconditional love is an important trait to cultivate in yourself, and you’d like to, but you’re having trouble putting it into practise, here are my top 10 practises that can make it easier:

It’s important to tailor your actions to each person and situation, because what might be a loving action toward one person could be harmful to another. For instance, if two people are dealing with the loss of a loved one, being the shoulder to cry on and engaging in long talks may be the loving choice for one, while granting some distance and silence may be more loving for the other. The only way to really know what the best course of action is for every individual is to ask the following question: “What is the most loving thing I can do for this particular person in this particular moment?” First ask yourself, and then if you can’t answer it with certainty, ask the person in question. Actively listen to what they have to say. Don’t allow your phone or your racing thoughts to distract you as they speak. Don’t assume you got the gist after hearing half the sentence. Let them complete their thought and then ask clarifying questions to make sure you understand what they said in the way they intended you to.

No one can live up to the false expectation of never making a mistake. To love unconditionally means to acknowledge the fact that everyone will fail at some point and might sometimes hurt us. When we accept that reality and forgive freely, it provides a safe space for everyone to grow. Forgiveness is probably the most difficult and truly unconditional act we perform, especially when someone doesn’t apologize. Letting go of your anger and resentment is inherently loving – both to them and to yourself. For one thing, withholding forgiveness is harmful to your own mental and physical health. But it could also perpetuate the behaviour we dislike, because the way we see and treat people can create a self-fulfilling prophesy.

When you consistently refuse to forgive someone, they start to believe they’ve made too many mistakes and that they’re past the point of no return. They might feel like there’s no way to make up for what they’ve done, which leads to them giving up completely and acting even worse. This is the way a lot of ex-cons feel when they come out of prison. If they’re constantly treated like criminals and aren’t given a chance to prove they can change, they revert back and repeat the things we haven’t forgiven them for. And this doesn’t just happen to ex-cons!

But when we practise forgiveness openly, it proves to people they’re still worthy of love, despite the fact that they make mistakes. You might think this’ll lead to worse behaviour. That they’ll think they got away with it, but the opposite is true. Most people want to be good. They want to be liked, validated and appreciated. As long as you take the time to explain to them how their actions affected you and that you’re willing to help them improve, because you care about them and want the best for them anyway, this motivates them to try harder and learn from their mistakes. When they know that messing up won’t condemn them, they can try and fail and try again, until they get it right.

At the end of the day, it’s the way we perceive people’s actions and the meaning we assign to those actions that trigger our emotional response, not who they are as a person. When someone cuts us off in traffic, we get angry because we think it means they don’t respect us or that they’re doing it on purpose to make us late. But if we change that perception (maybe they cut us off because they didn’t see us in their hurry) and its meaning (maybe they’re in a rush because having their first baby and don’t want to miss the birth), we won’t experience anger at all. We have the power to see things as we like and to give them whatever meaning we choose. So why not choose a meaning that removes the need to forgive anyone at all?

That means: don’t judge anyone. When you judge people, it means you’re trying to determine whether they deserve your love. This is pointless, because everyone deserves it regardless of what they do. You are far from perfect, and yet you still deserve to be loved. Everyone is imperfect in one way or another. They all know it and they’re all trying to accept their imperfections, just like you’re trying to accept yourself for yours. When you accept others just as they are, you’re showing them they’re worthy of receiving love and helping them love themselves and others. 

Unconditional love is about acceptance - about not expecting others to make you happy through their choices. My whole “How to Be Happy” series (link to channel) is about teaching people how to make themselves happy, so they don’t expect others to do it for them. If you’ve ever been in a situation where someone expects you to make them happy, you’ll know that both parts of that equation are perpetually frustrating. The person looking to the other to make them happy never feels content and the other feels unappreciated and overwhelmed by the inexhaustible emotional demands and needs of the first. But when your happiness is in your own hands, it opens you up to love others without needing anything in return. And that’s incredibly freeing to everyone involved.

When we first start showing unconditional love, we expect that everyone will be grateful and happy to receive it. But that’s not always the case. Some people have become so accustomed to being treated with hostility that they don’t know how to respond to an unconditional act of kindness. They don’t trust it, because they’ve never experienced it, so they might act negatively - and that’s okay. Receiving this sort of love can feel awkward to most people. We sometimes feel like love is a loan to be reciprocated, but that’s just it: unconditional love doesn’t require anything in return, and no matter how people react to receiving it, it’s okay. Sometimes receiving unconditional love inspires people to be nice back. It’s perfectly alright to accept this kind of reciprocity. It doesn’t discount the unconditional nature of the love you gave. It’s just a fun side-effect. Enjoy it. Just don’t expect it to happen all the time, don’t get discouraged when it doesn’t and don’t take advantage of it when it does.

Smile at someone – anyone, for no reason at all. Showing unconditional love doesn’t have to be a huge undertaking. Because you never know what other people are going through or how they perceive the world, the smallest act of love towards them can have the biggest impact on their lives. Letting someone pass through a door before you might prove to them that there are people out there who care and it could convince them to leave an abusive relationship that could have led to their death. Giving way to another car in a traffic jam could convince them to stop seeing other drivers as a threat, which could calm them down enough to prevent an accident. These actions may seem small and inconsequential to you, but they could completely change another person’s life. Believing that you’re making a difference means you won’t lose hope and won’t stop acting in this way. The more often you perform little acts of kindness, the more chances you have of actually changing people. And the more happiness you provide to them, the more happiness they will provide to others in return, which creates a pay-it-forward effect that will eventually lead back to you. This is the true meaning of “what goes around, comes around”.

The only way to learn how to trust, it to first decide to be vulnerable. People can’t prove to you that they’re worth trust unless you first give them a chance to make the decision to either keep your trust or break it. This takes courage, for sure. Especially when you’ve already been hurt and you know how it might feel if it happens again. But when you become accustomed to showing vulnerability, it comes more naturally to you and becomes a little less scary. There is always that little voice inside us that says “what if this time I get hurt?” But when you fully open your heart to another person, you let more love in. You are telling them you love them enough to be honest with them despite the fact that you’re afraid. Again this doesn’t mean you should let everyone walk all over you. There are obviously situations where you need to use your common sense and stay away from areas, times or people who you know will hurt you in a serious way. But most people are okay to trust and you will become better at recognizing these people the more you practise.

Sometimes, when we’re angry, frustrated or sad, it becomes harder to show love. Being honest about this and letting people know how you feel can give them a chance to help you. Share your experience with them, so they can understand you're still willing to love them despite how your reactions might make it look like to them. Let them know that you love them, but that you’re struggling when it comes to showing it.

Unconditional love means you don’t expect a return, whether that is people’s recognition of how loving you are, or them to feel guilty and then show you more love in return. If you’re keeping a record of how many times you showed love to someone and you feel like they haven’t kept up, then that’s not unconditional love. If you feel like they’re not being fair because they’re not showing you love back, that’s not unconditional love. But it IS a normal response, at least in the beginning of your journey. It doesn’t feel right to put in all this effort and not have something to show for it.

This sometimes points to a sense of lack inside you. It usually means you have a mentality that love is a scarce commodity that you will run out of and if you give too much of it away without replenishing it somehow, you won’t have any left for yourself or those close to you. This is simply false. Unconditional love is abundant and never runs out. No matter how much you give away. In fact, the irony is that the more you hoard it and hold it to yourself, the less of it you have. Alternatively, the more of it you give away, the more of it you have for yourself. So give it away freely. Don’t be scared. That’s how it multiplies.

Loving people unconditionally doesn’t mean completely ridding their life of all pain and discomfort. We need pain and discomfort to learn and grow. Without it we can’t truly appreciate pleasure or comfort. Sometimes showing someone truly unconditional love means you have to be brutally honest in a way that might hurt their feelings, in order to help them see the truth and allow them an opportunity to improve. Sometimes it means you have to let people fail, so that they can build character. As long as you are still willing to support them through both of these scenarios, you’re not being mean. You’re being loving.

How we treat ourselves is a reflection in how we will let others treat us. Love yourself unconditionally. Acknowledge your weaknesses, your failures, your mistakes. Now rise up above all those and know how worthy you are of unconditional love and it will inspire others to treat you in the same way. Unconditional love needs to be absolute, which means you show it to everyone; strangers, loved ones, and most of all… yourself. None of the above should be excepted for it to be truly unconditional. Many people mistakenly believe that in order to love others unconditionally you must stop showing love to yourself. But in order to be capable of providing unconditional love and ask for nothing in return, you must understand that you you are completely capable of making yourself happy and need nothing from others in order to do this. In order to make yourself happy, you must first love yourself and then you must show love to yourself. The two may sound the same, but they’re very different.

Next week, I’ll delve into it with much more detail. And once you know how to show yourself love, it’s important to find a balance between showing love to others and showing it to yourself. This is how you can stop yourself from becoming a people pleaser. Sometimes it’s  important to prioritize self-love in order to be more capable of showing love to others. A big part of that is becoming aware of your personal values and boundaries (if you’d like to learn how to do that, click here for my video on values) and then being committed to communicating them in loving and non-threatening ways. Sharing what you want with others gives them an opportunity to negotiate and compromise. When they know you will forgive them if they mess up, it helps them learn and adjust. And this helps both of you develop into more resilient and loving people.

Try out these tips and if you’re still having trouble, ask in the comments below or send me a message, or book a complimentary breakthrough session to see how I can personally help you out.

If you haven’t watched the video that comes with this article, scroll back to the top of this page. It explains all the ways that showing unconditional love to others can make you happier (and even healthier)! If you want more videos with free happiness tips, visit my YouTube channel and subscribe! Each video comes with an article like this one to help you put its strategy into practice.

If you’re looking for more ways to create a happier life for yourself, click here for self-help resources. There are three books there I particularly recommend. The second one is my favourite and it personally transformed my life!

See you next Sunday! Until then, remember: Happiness doesn’t require energy. It requires Strategy.