Showing unconditional love to yourself gets a bad rep these days. Most people think it’s a waste of time, or something to be ashamed of. But even if you’re one of the few people who sees its merit, you’ll quickly realize that it’s difficult to do – mainly because a lot of us don’t know what to expect. Here’s just a brief overview of what it looks and feels like when you do it right.

What unconditional self-love IS:

Showing yourself unconditional love means treating yourself like you would your best friend. Would you tell your best friend they’re stupid and worthless? If you’re a good friend, hopefully not. Would you emotionally abuse them every time they made a mistake? No! Every time you do something like that to someone you care about, they lose trust in you and eventually stop caring about you as a person. The same thing happens when you treat yourself that way. Your self-esteem plummets to the point where you feel you have no value, you lose faith in your abilities and end up not caring what happens to you.

To show yourself unconditional love means to be considerate when you fail and understanding when you make a mistake, while gently encouraging yourself to try again. It means allowing yourself to feel your emotions fully and fearlessly – even the ones that aren’t so pleasant – without judging them and without being ashamed of them. When you love yourself unconditionally, you hold space for yourself to feel sad, angry or lonely. You try to understand what those emotions are telling you about yourself and your experience of life.

Showing yourself unconditional love means always looking for something you can learn from the good situations and the bad. It means being selective about who you spend your time with and who you choose as a partner. It means being 100% yourself – whether you’re at work, with loved ones, around strangers or alone. It means bravely coping with your problems and always hoping for the best. It means accepting your weaknesses, while working on them as much as your strengths.

What unconditional self-love ISN’T:

You might think that showing yourself love is all about buying special gifts for yourself or allowing yourself to give in to temptations every once in a while. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes that can be part of it. But don’t fall into the trap of thinking that’s all you can do for yourself. Would you be happy, if your loved ones only ever showed they love you by spending money on you? Maybe, but sooner or later you’d want them to show it in non-monetary ways, because that matters more than how much money they’re spending. It’s the same with yourself. Don’t let yourself get away with taking the easy road.

Top 10 ways to know you’re loving yourself properly:

That means asking yourself the right questions and really listening for an honest answer without judgment. Some sample questions could be: What do you think about most often and why? What kind of hobbies are you drawn to? What’s the easiest thing for you to focus on without having to coax or force yourself? What's the most important thing to you and why?

It's important to know what's important to you, because when you know what you want, you live more intentionally. When you know what your intentions are, you make decisions that support those intentions. When you do things that align with your highest values, everything just feels right and becomes easier to do. If you’d like more help figuring out your values and getting to know your true self, click here (to discover The Easiest Way To Find Your Life Purpose) or here (for A Step-by-step Guide to Setting SMART Goals).

Meditation is another great way to get to know yourself better. If you’ve never done it before, or don’t know how it can be helpful to you, click here (to find out 5 Easy Ways to Be Here Now). Mindful people tend to know what they think, feel and want at any given time. They act on this knowledge with forethought and caution, rather than reacting automatically to what others want for them. This is why meditation is one of the kindest things you can do for yourself, even if it does feel like a waste of time sometimes. It always pays off in the long run!

Once you know what you need to be happy (fulfilment of your interests by using your gifts in alignment with your core values), you become aware of the things that are simply unnecessary. We spend a lot of energy going after things we think we want, but we rarely stop and think about the real reason we want them. It’s hard to turn away from something that feels good and exciting, to instead go for something that feels uncomfortable and scary.

But when you’re crystal clear on your needs and values (see step 1 above) it becomes easier to make those hard decisions, because you know it will lead to a happier, more fulfilling life in the long run. By staying focused on what you need, you turn away from automatic behaviour patterns that get you into trouble, keep you stuck in the past, and lessen self-love.

You are far from perfect, and yet you are both worthy of receiving love and capable of giving it (if you have trouble sharing love, click here to learn 10 Practises that Make It Easier to Love Unconditionally). Unconditional love is about acceptance – about not expecting too much from yourself. When you’re able to recognize and forgive your own imperfections and shortcomings and still love yourself despite them, it does two amazing things:

Firstly, when you can deem yourself worthy of being loved unconditionally (by yourself), despite all the things you know about yourself, it proves to you that others can love you as well, whether they know those things about you or not. Secondly, it puts you in the position to offer the same kind of love to other humans, who are just as flawed, loving and lovable as you.

Once you accept yourself as you are, it becomes easier to forgive yourself for your imperfections, mistakes and failures. Forgiveness means no harsh words or criticism. Remember, there are no failures, if you have learned and grown from your mistakes; there are only lessons learned. We all make mistakes and deserve forgiveness. You are no exception. Beating yourself up over past errors does you no good anyway.

If you refuse to forgive yourself when you make a mistake, or if you can only forgive yourself under certain conditions, then your love for yourself is not unconditional. If you practised showing unconditional love to other people last week, then you know how important forgiveness is to your happiness. It doesn’t matter who you are holding a grudge against – whether it’s yourself or another person – if you’re refusing to forgive, it’s harming you either way.

Write down things you like about yourself. Include your special qualities and talents. Embrace your individuality! If you are having trouble listing your traits, ask a friend or family member to tell you some of the things they like about you. Having someone else point out your unique characteristics can be enlightening, because we tend to exaggerate our flaws and downplay our virtues. Once you have a physical list of all the reasons other people love you, it will make it even easier for you to love yourself for the same or even other reasons.

Focusing on yourself sounds very selfish, especially when you’re responsible for other people, whether at work or at home. But I invite you to remember what they tell us in airplanes: “Always secure your own oxygen mask before helping others with theirs.” This is because you can’t help anyone until you are first in a secure position yourself. This applies to any situation in life.

When you are physically and emotionally charged, and are overflowing with love for yourself, then you will be in the optimal position to love and help others do the same. When you’re depleted, you may feel resentful about the things you do for others, and you may even end up so exhausted that you get sick. Think of nurturing yourself as the first step to caring for others. If you want to make sure you take care of others properly, you need to follow all the steps, and step one is non-negotiable.

Treat yourself with respect, take care of your body and let yourself have fun. Buying yourself nice things is just one part of putting yourself first. Have a bubble bath to unwind, spend time in nature or just sit in your back yard and do nothing for a few minutes.  It’s not just your right. It’s necessary, if you want to be able to offer your best to others.

When you give yourself credit for something wonderful you've done, it triggers the reward centre in your brain, producing chemicals that get you slightly addicted to the process of being nice to yourself. This makes it more likely that you’ll do things that lead to future successes, giving you more reasons to celebrate and the whole things starts over again.

It’s important to take inventory of your abilities and accomplishments and to spend time examining the things that make you special — your extraordinary skills and gifts, your values, the things that set you apart from others. Write these things down and review them often, relishing in the joy that you have so much going for you!

This not only creates a positive cycle of success, but also makes it easier to be grateful for who you are and what you have. For a full list of the many benefits gratitude can offer you and a precise run-down of how it can make your life happier, click here. You will also learn 10 Ways to Be Grateful When Life is Hard, which will make it easier for you to lead a happy life.

Having a sound mind depends on having a sound body. But it’s hard to ensure your diet is healthy these days. There’s a huge amount of advice available and a lot of contradictory information. Even though it may take a lot of time and effort, I encourage you to do your own research and never blindly agree with what others tell you is best for you. The best diet for you is the one that makes you feel and look your best. This will be different for everyone, but there are obviously some foods that are universally agreed-upon to be better for you than others.

Flavour and price are not good criteria to use when choosing what to put into your body, despite how tempting it may be. They might make you feel good about what you’re eating in the moment, but they need to come second, if your intention is to provide your body with nourishing sustenance that will energize you well into old age.

Like I said above, a sound mind requires a sound body to function properly and diet is only half of what is necessary. Every living creature needs to be fit to be healthy. The only difference between animals and humans is that they get their exercise just by living their daily lives. Some of us do as well, just by going about our daily business. But the vast majority of humans nowadays lead sedentary lives, which means we have to go out of our way to move our bodies intentionally, otherwise it doesn't happen on its own.

But that doesn't have to mean signing up for a gym membership and pumping iron for two hours a day. Some people enjoy that sort of thing, but it's not for everybody. We all enjoy different things. Even if you just find one thing that's slightly physical, if you enjoy it, you'll do it often enough to benefit from it. If surfing gives you pleasure, do that. If it's walking to work, great!

I define “good quality sleep” as the kind that leaves you feeling refreshed and energized from the second you open your eyes. A surprising amount of things go into a restful sleep.

• The position you sleep in: If your limbs are elevated above your heart or are being crushed by the rest of your body, it compromises your circulation. This means less oxygen goes to your brain and muscles, which leaves you feeling tired and groggy.
• The room you sleep in: No airflow, poor air quality, lack of silence, the presence of appliances that emit an electromagnetic pulse or a temperature that’s too high or low can seriously affect your quality of sleep.
• How many hours you sleep: Some studies say 5 hours is fine. Others say it must be 8 or more. There are also studies that claim if you sleep too much it can have negative effects. At the end of the day, you are the only person who knows how many hours of sleep are enough for you to feel rested. Experiment until you are certain of the number and then stick to it.
• Which hours you sleep: Not all hours are created equal when it comes to sleep. You will not get the same benefits sleeping from 3am to 11am as you would sleeping from 9pm to 5am, even if they are both 8 hour rests. Your body knows the difference, even if you don’t want to admit it.
• How full your belly is: When you sleep within 2 hours of having eaten a heavy meal your stomach is still in the middle of digesting and that takes up a lot of blood and energy. Not to mention when you’re lying down your body needs to use more effort to push the food towards your digestive tract when gravity isn’t helping it along.
• How hydrated you are: A body that is dehydrated will have poor blood flow and less oxygen to send to the brain and muscles, whether you’re asleep or awake, lack of water is always a bad thing. Drinking a glass of water before bed might make you get up to pee at night, but it will give you better quality sleep, even if you count the 5 minute break in between rests. And remember that caffeine and alcohol not only dehydrate you more, but are also stimulants that make it harder for your body to activate rest mode.
• Whether you were looking at a screen before bed: Coffee and wine aren’t the only things considered stimulants. Televisions, computers, tablets and mobile phones all have screens that emit blue light that stimulates the centres in your brain that produce serotonin, making it harder for your brain to shut off your thinking process.

Those are just a handful of things to keep in mind. There are many more. The important thing to remember is to prioritize your sleep above all other tasks on your to-do list and make sure you understand its importance to your happiness.

Allow the right people into your life. Get rid of frenemies, who talk behind your back, criticize and compete with you. If they take pleasure in your pain and loss and get cranky with your happiness and success they’re not real friends worth keeping. Set boundaries for the people you interact with. Allow yourself to say no to activities that deplete your energy, don’t interest you or harm you in some way.

Saying no sounds like a negative thing, but it means you are able to say yes to things that express who you are more truly. It means you’re being yourself more authentically and letting others get to know your true self better. When you treat yourself in this way, you are happier and have more patience to cope with challenges. Unconditional love for self means you say 'no' to unloving acts towards you, whether you’re the one committing those acts or not.

When you know you deserve it, the feelings will come easier. Just remember that it’s an ongoing process that is sometimes easier and sometimes harder. Every day you need to make the decision to put in the effort and make the relationship with yourself work, just like you do with your loved ones.

Try some of these tips out and if it still seems hard and foreign to you, ask me in the comments below. I answer every single one personally! You can even send me a message, or book a complimentary breakthrough session to see how I can help you out through Skype.

If you want more videos with free happiness tips, visit my YouTube channel and subscribe! I make a new video every single Sunday and each one comes with an article just like this one that helps you put the strategy into practice.

If you’re looking for more free ways to create a happier life for yourself, click here for my self-help resources page. There are three books there I particularly recommend, which will change your life. The second one is my favourite and it completely transformed who I am!

I’ll see you next Sunday! Until then, remember: Happiness doesn’t require energy. It requires Strategy.