So most people understand authenticity as the feeling of being your real self. However, it’s easier to understand, if we first define its opposite state. Inauthenticity is the feeling of not being your real self. What does this mean in practical terms? Maybe you’re pretending to have traits you don’t actually have, maybe you’re settling for a situation that doesn’t feel right to you or you’re saying things you don’t believe are true. It can make you feel self-conscious, like you need to keep up appearances for fear of losing something important. Whatever way it manifests for you, these patterns can become so ingrained that being authentic, being your true self, can feel more uncomfortable than being inauthentic. So it’s hard to tell, if your using your comfort levels to judge whether or not you’re being authentic.  

Like I said in the video above, learning authenticity is not possible. Instead, we have to un-learn in-authenticity. Ultimately, you don’t become more authentic by adding anything to what you are, say or do, but by removing all the stuff that isn’t real — hollow statements, biased beliefs, feigned interest, canned responses, formulaic answers. These are the things that makes up your inauthenticity. Authenticity isn’t the presence of something, but the absence of everything that isn’t authentic. Let that sink in.

And you can’t do that unless you know what your values are. If you haven’t taken the time to determine your values, take this online test and then come back to this article.

Once you’re aware of your priorities, you’ll be more capable of catching yourself in activities that don’t align with those priorities. You have to first know what you believe, in order to know when you’re saying something you don’t believe. Make sense?

Developing this kind of awareness involves practising mindfulness. Click here for more information on developing this skill or here to find out specific practises you can make use of depending on your personality. You need to be able to watch yourself make decisions as though you’re a third party. That will make it easier to catch yourself in the act and pause before indulging in the impulse. If your inauthentic behaviours are hardwired after years of practise, click here to learn more about stopping reactions that have become automatic.

Here are some signs to help you recognize if you’re being inauthentic:

• You always go with the crowd.
• You don't keep your agreements.
• You don't take care of yourself.
• You say yes all the time.
• You don't practice what you preach.
• You don’t care about anything you do.
• You don’t feel passionate about things.

Catch yourself realizing that you’re doing one thing and feeling like there’s a better way. Then don’t panic. This is the point where most people slip up because they feel like they have to immediately change what they’re doing. But this isn’t the time for that. It’s the time to celebrate the fact that you noticed. Coz that’s the hardest part. You can’t change a behaviour, if you don’t notice when you’re doing it.

Allowing yourself to reward yourself for making this discovery will train your brain to notice it more often. Beating yourself up about being inauthentic will train your brain to avoid noticing it in the future. That’s not what you want. So make sure you’re nice to yourself about it.

Everything we do, we do to fulfil a need. And we always do the best we can with what we’ve got. So if you’re being inauthentic it’s because you think it’s for the best. It’s because you think it’s helping you get something you want and you think there’s no better way to get it. But once you’ve realized what it is you’re trying to get, then you can think more clearly and figure out a more authentic way to get it.

That will be the catalyst that will help you be more willing to cast your inauthentic behaviour aside. Otherwise, stopping will make no sense, as you will still be left with an unfulfilled need. But if you figure out a more aligned way to do it, it will make more sense to take the authentic path.

One of them is what I said above: that being yourself is more about removing inauthentic behaviours than adding more authentic ones. Three more things you need to remember are:

• That it’s OK to be imperfect, to have flaws and make mistakes, and
• That the people who matter won’t think you’re an idiot or reject you for your faults.

Knowing these things will help soften the blow when you realize your true self isn’t as appealing as the fake version you’ve been showing people all this time. Once you believe them and they seep into your habitual way of thinking, being yourself becomes effortless.

We want people to like us; to care about us, so that we’ll be safe and happy. And we’re willing to do anything to make sure we keep this feeling, even let go of who we really are. So the answer to the authenticity conundrum is unconditional love. If we love ourselves unconditionally, we accept that who we are is someone to be proud of, not someone worth hiding. It teaches us how to love others, so we become more likely to show them the same kindness we show ourselves. This encourages them to be more authentic, because when they know they will still be loved no matter who they are or what they do, they will have no reason to be afraid and will no longer need to hide any aspect of themselves.

If we all love each other without conditions, we will all have an easier time being ourselves on a day to day basis. This isn’t something we can change on our own overnight. It will take time and it will take all of us setting this example. But if we start now, if we pass this thinking onto our children, there will one day be a time when being 100% authentic is the default. If you’d like a more detailed set of instructions on how to cultivate that kind of unconditional love for yourself, click here. If you’d like to learn how to love others effortlessly, click here.

Everyone makes mistakes, so instead of beating yourself up about every little slipup, learn to forgive yourself. I know it’s hard, so if you’d like to learn 20 little known secrets to making forgiveness easier, click here to read an article I’ve prepared to help you. Once you learn to forgive yourself, it becomes easier to learn from your missteps. This will ensure you grow into a wiser person less likely to make the same mistakes in the future.

Nothing you do is a failure, only an opportunity to learn a lesson. When you realize that, you become less afraid of trying out things that are different and less likely to beat yourself up if any of those things turn out to be mistakes. You are hence more free to be yourself, because it gives you the self-respect and courage to do what you believe is right, without the fear of messing up.

Try out this system and if you’re finding it hard to implement, ask for help in the comments below, send me a message, or book a FREE breakthrough session to see how I can help you through Skype.

You can find more Happiness Strategy videos on my YouTube channel, so subscribe to make sure you never miss an episode! I come out with a new one every single Sunday.

Until next time, remember: Happiness doesn’t require energy. It requires Strategy.