The difference between reacting and responding is awareness. Knowing you’re about to react in a way that’s unbecoming and having the ability to stop yourself before you do it. Mindful awareness allows you to monitor your automatic reactions, so you can stop them before they become destructive. This kind of skill can be developed through daily mindfulness, because it will get you used to knowing what it feels like just before you do something you haven’t given much thought to.

The best way to practise this is through meditation and there are many different kinds, so you’re bound to find a type that works for you, whether you’re a complete beginner or a veteran of sorts. Click here to check out the ultimate list of meditations and which one is best for the type of person you are. It’s important to do a meditation that complements your lead representational system. More information on that here. If meditation isn’t your thing and you’d like to read up on other ways to exercise mindful awareness, click here.

When we resort to reacting rather than responding, it’s usually because we have a lot of pent up energy, mainly negative energy. When we bottle up those emotions on a regular basis, they eventually build up to the point where an explosion is unavoidable. The easiest solution to this problem, is to make sure you have a few socially acceptable ways of releasing tension while it’s still small and manageable. That way you will stay calm enough to respond in a level-headed manner.

Some great exercises to release tension are:

• Controlled breathing: Counting how long it takes to breathe in, hold and release air from your lungs, or controlling it so that each one only takes a certain amount of time. A common exercise is to breathe in for 4 seconds, hold it for 7 seconds and breathe out for 8 seconds. This is supposed to calm you down better than any other length of time. Alternatively, you could just focus on your breathing without counting, but instead just noticing what it feels and sounds like. This takes your mind off your emotions while at the same time training your brain to concentrate and notice how things feel in the moment.
• Body scan, tense and release: During this kind of exercise you sit or lay in a comfortable position and then take your time focusing on each muscle group. As you notice how they feel, you should tense them up as much as you can (only that particular group you’re focusing on) and then release the tension and notice how relaxed it feels afterward. Continue this until you’ve scanned, tensed and released every single muscle in your body.
• Sprint and walk: This one’s a more active variation on the above tense and release exercise. Go for a light jog, then burst into a sprint at full speed for 10 seconds. After that walk as calmly as you can for 30 seconds. During the sprint, notice how your body feels, and then notice the difference during your walk. This sort of thing can be done while you’re lifting weights at the gym as well. All you have to do is notice the difference between how your body feels while it’s experiencing full physical tension and how it feels when that tension is no longer there. Eventually this will help you notice when your emotions are making your muscles tense and you can ease them instantly.

Pausing before you act is the very foundation of responding. Reacting happens in an instant. There’s no room for forethought. So if you can teach yourself to put that reaction on hold, even if it’s just for a split second, you will be training your brain to stop and think for longer periods in the future.

A great way to practise pausing is to always count to 3 before replying to any question, no matter what that question is or who is asking it. The small pause won’t affect the quality of your conversations, but it will give you some time in which to formulate a well-thought-out response before you answer.

Maybe instead of counting to 3, simply ask yourself a question. Your brain will automatically take some time to answer that question in your head, giving you the time to respond. So you might as well make that question part of the exercise. Asking things like “What would the most compassionate response be in this situation?” or “How can I respond in a way that’s in line with my goals for this particular relationship?” will aid you in your quest.

Imagine a water filter. As water from your pipes runs through the filter sediment and other unwanted elements get caught in it, so that the water that comes out the tap is pure and fresh. This is the sort of thing you can do with your reactions. By setting some rules for yourself and committing to them, you will give your brain the task of identifying when you’re breaking those rules.

Try going on a complaint fast. The rule you give your mental filter is not to allow any complaints to pass through your consciousness and make it out of your mouth. So any time you use a word that resembles a complaint, your brain will flag it. Sometimes it will slip through, but with time you will catch it half way. Eventually, you will notice it and stop it altogether before you even open your mouth.

Putting a label on what you’re feeling takes a lot more mental effort than you might think. In order to give a name to an emotion, you have to first notice the effect that emotion is having on your physical body, the sensations it’s sending through your senses. You have to realize what’s causing it and which assumption you had was proven wrong to trigger this feeling. All this takes time and the time it takes you to think about all these things will calm you down and stop you from reacting, because it will take up the mental resources necessary to react in the first place.

Another perk is that once you recognize what you’re feeling and why, you can start to figure out how to fix the issue in more productive ways. Putting what you’re experiencing into words in your head will help you express it to another person and that person might help you make things better. It’s important that you’re honest with yourself about what you’re feeling, even if it’s uncomfortable to confront. It’s the only way to heal.

This goes hand in hand with labelling your feelings. In order to ask for exactly what you want, you have to first realize what it is you want. That’s easier said than done, because a lot of the time we feel like we have a need that’s too vague to express and if we can’t express it we certainly can’t fulfil it. Thinking about what it is you want will take enough time to help you relax and respond with consideration.

Be sure that after you ask for what you want and that you also ask if the other person is willing to provide it. If not, ask what they would be willing to do or what you could do to help them meet you half way. It’s a lot more productive than yelling at them or crying.

When you know how every situation fits into your overall goals and objectives, it’s a lot easier to respond. Zooming out helps you notice how the little things can either help or hinder your efforts. As long as you know where you’re going, how you get there isn’t that important. But you must be clear on your core values as well, or you will find yourself getting frustrated when conflict creeps into the situation. Click here, if you’d like some help identifying your values and here, if you need help dealing with conflict.

Just like zooming out and seeing the big picture, keeping every situation in context is also very valuable. This is because anything can be frustrating when taken out of context. And there’s no point in overreacting to something that isn’t even a threat. If you hear footsteps in the night, it could mean someone’s broken into your house or it could mean your partner finally came back from working the night shift. Knowing the context makes the difference between you reacting with fear or responding with calm satisfaction. Always think about what is happening and how the current situation can affect you going forward.

Sometimes all it takes is to ask yourself if you’re reacting or responding. This will give your mind pause for a moment while it processes all the available information in order to figure out the answer to your question. This split second may be all the time you need to take a mental break from the situation and choose an alternate route.

A lot of the time we react when we feel like we don’t have any other option. When we feel as though we’ve lost control over the situation our mind plays tricks on us and tells us the only way to get what we want is to retaliate and through a tantrum like a two-year-old. But we all know that’s not true. When you think about it with a level head you’ll realize you always have a choice. No matter what sort of situation you’re in, there is always another way to handle it. And knowing this can empower. When you feel empowered you are more likely to prefer the option with the least possible negative consequences.

Try out these tips and if you’re still finding this advice hard to implement, ask for help in the comments below, send me a message, or book a FREE breakthrough session to see how I can help you through Skype.

You can find more Happiness Strategy videos on my YouTube channel, so subscribe to make sure you never miss an episode! I come out with a new one every single Sunday.

Until next time, remember: Happiness doesn’t require energy. It requires Strategy.