Learning to read these eye-accessing cues can be a very handy skill, because it can give you hints as to which representational system your conversational partner prefers and uses most often. Representational systems are also called “sensory modalities”. They are the senses we use to organize and understand our experience of a situation. Maybe you know someone who’s primarily visual and they prefer to think in pictures. Perhaps they’re more auditory, in which case they usually think in sounds. Kinaesthetic people like to think in terms of physical and emotional feelings and those who process their experiences using internal dialogue (a.k.a. auditory digital) have a strong inner voice that they use to talk to themselves. Connecting to people is as simple as identifying which representational system they primarily use and then matching it.

What do I mean by matching?

Matching is the NLP word for "copying" when it comes to body language and speech patterns. It's a technique that can subconsciously make the person you're matching feel more comfortable around you. It's closely paired with mirroring, in which case you match their movements using the opposite side of your body - reflecting them like a mirror. To simplify things, I'll be using the word "matching" when referring to both practises, because they are used in the same way and for the same reasons.

You can match all kinds of physical traits. To match someone’s voice, copy the tonality, pitch, speed, volume or amount of pauses they use. You can even use words or phrases they use frequently. Then there’s posture and breathing patterns, or eye contact, facial expressions, hand gestures and other distinctive movements, from the way they plant their feet to the way they tilt their head.

When matching is done right, the person you’re matching feels like you’re someone who totally understands them and has heaps in common with them. They assume you think similar things in a similar way and that makes them more inclined to want to spend time with you and get to know you better. When people (feel they) are like each other, they tend to like each other.

You only need three things to be good at matching:

1. Keen observational skills: The ability to notice the finer details of people’s speech and body language.
2. Flexibility of expression: The ability and willingness to adapt and change the way you communicate with each person. And don’t worry. You’re not giving up your identity. Creating a common physical state just helps you feel what they’re feeling and think how they’re thinking (If you’d like to know why that happens, click here).
3. Basic knowledge of representational systems: A familiarity with verbal and nonverbal cues that indicate which modality people prefer.

I can’t really help with the first two. You’ll have to want them enough to practise them on your own time. But I can help you understand and make use of representational systems.

Say, for example, you’re giving a presentation to your boss and you notice their eyes keep going up to the left or right, even when you’re not using visual words or pictures to describe things to them. Then could be a clue that they’re forming visual internal representations and their preferred representational system is visual. For a more detailed explanation of how to interpret eye movements, click here. If not, here’s a simple graphic that can help you get a quick idea of what I’m talking about.

It's by no means a hard and fast rule, but usually:

• Visual people will primarily look up and to the side as they process information.
• Auditory people will primarily move their eyes from left to right or from right to left (horizontally from ear to ear).
• Kinaesthetic people will primarily look down and to the right.
• People who look down and to the left usually have internal chatter.

This is all very useful to know, because once you become accustomed to noticing how people’s eyes move when they talk, you can adjust the way you’re presenting things to them. That way you can make sure they understand and feel comfortable with the information you’re giving them. If they say they don’t understand while looking up to the left or to the right, it could indicate they’re trying to visualize what you’re saying and are having trouble. So if you demonstrate rather than verbally explain, they might be able to get a better understanding. When you know how people make sense of things, you know how best to deliver the things you want to share with them. This adaptation of your method of communication is known as matching.

An Alternative Method of Matching

Even though our eye movements can give away our dominant sense, they’re not the only thing that does. When we have a lead sensory modality, we tend to give it away through the types of words we use and the way we use them to express ourselves.

• Visual people use words like “picture, visualize, see and look”. They can be fast talkers, because images are quicker to see than to describe, so they’re trying to keep up with the “1000 words” rushing through their mind in picture form.
• Auditory people use words like “hear, listen, tell and sounds”. They speak moderately fast. Because they speak at the same speed as they think.
• Kinaesthetic people use words like “feel, touch, grasp and hold”. They’re typically slow talkers, because they need to feel their response before speaking, which delays their words.
• People who have internal chatter tend to talk to themselves in order to rationalize information and formulate an appropriate response. They take the longest to speak and use words like “think, consider, suppose and believe”.

Can You Cheat?

If you’re just not clicking with a particular person or you don’t seem to understand each other very well, there’s a high chance you’re just not speaking each other’s representational language. Their primary mode of communication may be different to yours and so there’s a feeling of disconnect. Really listen to the words they’re using, as well as paying attention to their speed of speech and the way they’re eyes are moving as they formulate their response. If you pick up on any of the above elements that indicate their lead modality, change some of your words and sentences to match the ones they’re using. The gist of what you’re saying should remain the same. Just change the way you say it.

We use words to describe our thoughts. If your thoughts (internal representations) are mainly pictures, then you will tend to use more visual words when describing your thoughts. If your thoughts are based on logic or making sense of something, you may tend to use words that reflect the logic of your thinking. Likewise, for auditory and kinaesthetic. The words you use reflect your internal thought processes. This is a very important point as you are revealing your internal thoughts and thought structures to others through the words you choose to use or not use.

If your conversational partner is not using a lot of words you can use to figure out their favourite representational system, then I hereby give you permission to cheat using this sneaky question. Ask them: “How’s the weather today?” If they say “it’s bright and sunny”, that indicates they prefer a visual mode of communication. If they say “it’s warm”, that points to a kinaesthetic preference. If they say “it’s loud and windy”, it could mean they’re mostly auditory. You could adapt any question to be open enough to allow for answers like these. Maybe you can ask them to describe their car and they might say it’s yellow (visual), spacious (kinaesthetic) or noisy (auditory).

Once you know what they prefer, you can use any of the following key words from the table below to get your message across more effectively.

If explain something to someone and they say "I don't see what you are saying" or "I can't picture this," then don’t respond with “Listen, let me say it again”. That would just widen the disconnect between you. If you use auditory words to describe something to a highly visual person, they’ll have difficulty forming a picture of your explanation in their mind. Instead, say something like “Look, let me show you what I mean”. It will help them understand and bring you closer.

As humans, we tend to trust people who use a similar mode of communication to us, because it makes us feel like they speak our language and understand where we’re coming from. All of this happens on a subconscious level, so we might not even realize why we feel so close to them.

Here’s a great 4-minute exercise to help you practise and get used to using all the different modes of communication.

For a whole minute, describe your home using only visual words. For the next minute, use only auditory words. For the next, use only kinaesthetic words and for the final minute, use only auditory digital words. Hint: for the visual portion, you can describe the different colours; for the auditory part, describe the different sounds; for the kinaesthetic one, describe the different feelings or textures; and for the auditory digital part, use facts and figures. Notice which modality gives you the most difficulty and practise it more than the rest, until you master it and using the words comes naturally. A great way to test yourself is to have a casual conversation with a friend and whenever you catch them using a sensory word, immediately switch to using only words and phrases belonging to that representational system. Before you know it, you’ll be a master communicator!

As an added bonus, here are some extra facts about each representational group, so you can get to know them better:

Visual

People with a visual preference tend to:

• Be organized, neat and well-groomed. Because they want to look good. 
• Use visualization for memory and decision making - often getting insights about something.
• Be more imaginative and may have difficulty putting their ideas into words.
• Speak faster than the general population, because they have a picture in their mind and if it's a moving picture, there's a lot to tell in so little time.
• Prefer in-person interactions - to see the other person and their reactions.
• Talk about disjointed topics, because they see the whole picture and it is easy to jump around to different parts of it.
• Want to see or be shown concepts, ideas or how something is done.
• Want to see the big picture.
• Not remember what people have said and become confused if you give them too many verbal instructions. However, if you can draw a map or picture for them, then they can see what you're saying.
• Remember faces more easily than names.
• Be distracted by visual activity and less so by noise.
• Breathe high in the chest, with shallow breathing.
• Point.
• Have hunched shoulders and an extended neck.

Auditory

People with an auditory tonal preference tend to:

• Be more aware of subtle change in the tone of your voice and be more responsive to certain tones of voice.
• Perceive and represent sequences and are able to remember spoken directions or instructions more easily.
• Learn by listening and asking.
• Enjoy discussions and prefer to communicate through spoken language rather than the written word.
• Talk through problems and like to have someone available to serve as a sounding board for their ideas.
• Need to be heard.
• Be easily distracted by noise.
• Use more resonant voices.
• Breathe more evenly and deeply, from the diaphragm or using the whole chest.
• Have balanced muscle tension.
• Fold their arms, and tilt their heads slightly to one side.

Kinaesthetic

People with a kinaesthetic preference tend to:

• Speak slower than the general population, because they need time to get in touch with how they feel about the topic.
• Be more sensitive to their bodies and their feelings and respond to physical rewards and touching.
• Learn by doing, moving or touching.
• Dress and groom themselves more for comfort than how they look.
• Make decisions based on their feelings.
• Stand closer to other people than those with a visual preference - to feel the other person's energy.
• Take long pauses between words, so they can get a feel for what they're saying in their low, deep tonalities.
• Have upturned palms with arms bent and relaxed with a solid posture and their heads sitting squarely on their shoulders.

Auditory Digital

People with an auditory digital preference tend to:

• Have a need to make sense of the world, to figure things out and understand.
• Talk to themselves and carry on conversations with you in their mind. Often they will say they remember discussing something with you, when you actually did not have the conversation. They had it in their mind.
• Learn by working things out in their mind.
• Not be spontaneous, as they like to think things through.
• Have logic play a key role in the decision process, as do facts and figures.
• Memorize by steps, procedures, sequences.

Can you see yourself in one or more of these representational systems, or does one sound better than the others, or do you feel one is a better fit than another or does one just make sense to you? If you’d like another way to discover which your preferred representational system is, here’s a handy test you can take, called a VAKAD (Visual, Auditory, Kinaesthetic, Auditory Digital) test.

A Word of Warning...Or Two

1. Give them time! If you speak while a person is making eye movements, you might interrupt their thinking process and this will slow down the interaction. It might even make them feel confused or resentful towards you, so be respectful and patient. Give them time to think.
2. Give them space! A person’s eye accessing cues can also give you information about their personal space needs.

• Highly visual people like lots of personal space. They like to be far enough away, so they can see all of you since they’re picking up a lot of information from watching your appearance and gestures.
• People who think mainly with feelings like to be close enough to be able to touch you – and they might frequently pat your arm, tap your shoulder, or using a double clasp handshake which they seem reluctant to release.
• People who engage in a lot of self-talk will probably have only minimal awareness of you and your body language since they are paying so much attention to the facts and figures you’re talking about (and to their analysis of these facts and figures). They will frequently look past you as you are conversing and may tend to blink very frequently or even close their eyes for a few seconds while speaking to you about complex subjects.

So there you have it! Try out these tips and if you’re still finding this advice hard to implement, ask for help in the comments below, send me a message, or book a FREE breakthrough session to see how I can help you through Skype.

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Until next time, remember: Happiness doesn’t require energy. It requires Strategy.