Like I said in the above video, an “internal locus of control” is the way people feel about the outcomes in their lives. A person with an internal locus of control believes strongly in their own ability to control the events in their life. Whereas a person with an external locus of control believes that what happens in their life is determined by external forces. The former are much more resilient and bounce back from adversity more easily than the latter, simply because they believe it’s possible and that it’s completely in their hands. Think about it: if you firmly believe that only someone else can solve your problems, will you even try to solve them yourself? Probably not. And that’s exactly what happens.

Another thing you need to know about people with an internal locus of control, is that they see their feelings as coming only from themselves. They know that nothing anyone else says or does can force them to feel a certain way, unless they let it happen. As a result, they don’t feel dependant on other people doing or saying particular things (or on certain events occurring in a specific way) in order for them to feel better. They understand that it’s the way they think about events that determines how they feel about those events. I’ve spoken about this extensively in previous videos, but the gist of it is that we always have a choice to feel the way we do or to change it, no matter what the situation is.

For example, other people cannot make us angry. They have absolutely no power on our emotions. We may not like what they do sometimes and we may experience an outburst that feels like it’s happening automatically, but it’s still up to us whether or not we will actually get upset. In the same way, jobs can’t stress us out. They’re just inanimate places of employment. They can’t control our internal world. Yes, your boss might be rude and impatient sometimes. Yes, you might have a huge workload and a tight deadline, but you can still choose to feel happy despite that. Of course, it’s easier said than done. I’m just making sure you’re aware that it’s possible.

• It's your choice how you interpret events.
• It's your choice what meaning you give to the things that happen to you.
• It's your choice what you focus your attention on.
• It's your choice who you compare yourself to.
• It's your choice what you expect from yourself, from others and from your life.
• It's your choice what you imagine will happen next.
• It's your choice what you remember about your past.
• It's your choice how important you consider events to be.
• It's your choice what you think about.
• It's your choice how you feel.
• No one can upset you, but you.
• What others say and do are just events that you can choose how to react to.
• Events do not cause your feelings. Your thoughts do.
• No one is responsible for how you feel, except you.
• It's not anyone else’s job to make you feel better, but your own.
• Others can think and say whatever they want about you. But it's your choice how you feel about yourself. No one gets to make those choices for you, unless you let them. And you can choose not to.

Another thing that’s equally important to remember is that you do not have control over other people’s thoughts, emotions or actions. It is not your responsibility to make sure they are happy and it’s not your right to change how they feel about anything. That being said, don’t take this to mean you have blanket immunity to just go around being inconsiderate. I’m just stating this so you don’t feel guilty when others feel bad and so you don’t try to manipulate people into doing what you want them to.

If simply telling yourself those things doesn’t help you internalise them, it likely means you first need to develop a stronger sense of self-esteem, or you won’t take yourself seriously. If you need help with that, click here.

Other methods of developing an internal locus of control include:

Simply acting as though you have control over your life and your response to external events can ultimately convince you that it’s true, even if you don’t start out believing it. With enough practise, you will eventually come across situations where you get a taste of success and by reacting to it the way you know you need to, that process will become internalized with time.

Do you believe changing the way you think is doable? Do you secretly think of it as an impossible task that you will eventually fail at? Be honest with yourself, because your subconscious can tell, if you don’t mean it anyway. Take some time away from distractions, sit in a calm space and analyse the things you tell yourself when things get tough. I’d urge you to write it down, because it’s more confronting and you’ll be more likely to shock yourself into positive change. At the very least, it will help you set things straight by telling yourself exactly how you’re going to achieve this goal. That way you can’t psyche yourself into believing it’s unattainable and you’ll have something physical to refer to when things get difficult.

Just like anything in life, your locus of control should not be black or white. Yes, according to everything I’ve explained above and in my video, you have a lot to gain by having a primarily internal locus of control. But you at least need to be aware that other humans also have a strong influence on your life. Not only that, but sometimes life throws external events at you that you can’t avoid. Natural disasters, market crashes… These sorts of things cannot always be controlled and you need to be realistic about that, if you want to be able to move past them as quickly as possible.

Another thing to keep in mind is that if you go too far forcing yourself to only have an internal locus of control, you may end up blaming yourself for things that are not your fault. I’d say a good ratio to stick to is perhaps 90% internal locus of control and about 10% external locus of control. That should keep you grounded, but not bogged.

This doesn’t mean you should blame yourself. It means you should acknowledge the part you played in any given event, whether the outcome was positive or negative. So when the results are good, you praise yourself and recognize that your efforts paid off. And when the results are bad, you accept the consequences with dignity, while paying attention to what you did wrong and focusing on how you can improve in the future.

If you make a conscious decision to take responsibility for every event and outcome, without considering yourself as a victim, you will be well on your way to developing an internal locus of control, because it will become obvious to you that there is always something you can do to enhance your life. It’s similar to having a solution-focused attitude, which I explained here.

As I said in this article, if you’re not responding mindfully to what’s going on, then you’re reacting mindlessly to it. The difference may sound trivial, but trust me – it’s colossal! Everything you do is a choice, even when you avoid making a choice – you’re choosing not to make one! The problem is, when you choose to do nothing, you’re essentially letting others control your fate. So if you’re committed to developing an internal locus of control, you need to compel yourself to put more thought in your actions.

You can’t change your current actions, unless you notice what you’re doing, so you can decide what you will alter. Noticing these things can be very challenging. Especially when we’re emotionally charged. So here’s some questions you can ask yourself when you feel particularly negative emotions – just to get you started:

• “What am I feeling right at this moment?” Be as specific as possible. Don’t just say “I feel angry.” Describe precisely what kind of physical sensations you’re experiencing in your body.
• “What thought am I specifically reacting to?” To pinpoint it, try to recall the last thing that flashed through your mind a split second before the unpleasant emotions got triggered.
• “Is this reaction going to change anything or make the situation any better for me?”
• “Could a different response produce a more desirable outcome?”

Once you’ve answered these questions, redirect your thoughts to the things you can control about the situation at this moment, and identify at least one thing you can do right now that will actually improve the situation.

If you know someone who already has a well-developed internal locus of control, model them. Watch how they behave when things get tough and see what you can copy in situations that frustrate or upset you.

If you don’t have anyone like that in your life, you could always book a coaching session with me. I’d be happy to explain how I do it. I could walk you through my thought process when a triggering event happens and can even role-play with you through Skype, so you can try out what you’ve learnt in a safe and supportive environment.

If you’re interested in more Happiness Strategy videos, you can find them on my YouTube channel. Subscribe to make sure you never miss an episode! I come out with a new one every Sunday.

Until next time, remember: Happiness doesn’t require energy. It requires Strategy.